Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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