So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
