I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
