I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
