I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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