There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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