Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
