oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
