I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
