the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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