No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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