she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
