Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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