I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
