I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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