I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
it was like eating out sand paper
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
