I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
