What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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