we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Life is so much better after having sex.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
