I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
