she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
