Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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