I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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