Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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