I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Randomize
