Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
