Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
