Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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