Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
