We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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