Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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