you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
