Please, let me fuck your mom
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
