that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
