Swine flu. Run for my life!
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
