This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
