umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
