i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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