I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
