My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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