I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
