I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
