to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
