Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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