My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
