Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
