Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
