Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
