Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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