How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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