Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
