failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
