so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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