im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize