im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
