Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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