I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He better not be in your backpack
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
