Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
50% drunk capacity currently
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
