i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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