Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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