I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
