Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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